Change is in the Air

Something snapped, in my head, and small epiphanies cascaded like a firework show finale. And suddenly I found who I was again… I don’t know what it was that set the tumblers in motion to unlock this revelation.  I suppose what it all has come down to is that I have had enough. I am done with witless people, idiotic self-recrimination, unhealthy living and the god awful sadness of it all. So I have started to make some changes, some small and subtle, some large and drastic.

I have decided to take some time off to visit some good friends who have helped me so much during this uncertain time in my life. Most may not even realize they helped at all, because what they did was simply be themselves, support my good thoughts and ideas, object to my self-defeating behavior… nothing special…but so very very helpful! Though, in truth, there are more people I wish I could visit those who I will be seeing are a small portion of this group.

I have also decided to stop holding on desperately to connections with people who, for whatever reason, don’t feel their connection with me is important enough to warrant maintaining on their end. So I have let go in the only way I know how. Just remove the person from my day to day life (example: removing them from my facebook friends list, after all if they can’t be bothered to do their part to maintain a friendship they should not have the privilege of getting a daily play by play of my life on facebook…just sayin’.)  I’m not mad at these people, though there is still sadness there, the kind of loss you feel when something is gone or lost for what could be forever. But I suppose it’s time to play the social world in a slightly different fashion. Without facebook if someone is curious as to the current happenings in someone’s life they have to call or text or visit to find out… all of which require some level of effort to accomplish. This is something that I sort of need these days. There are friends who I have known for a long while now, those friends don’t need to make as much effort as they have already proven their worth so to speak long ago and are like a second family now. There are a few new friends where the friendship is still in early stages who have seemingly effortlessly settled into the type of friendship I look for, as if they are fated to be in my life as support, or inspiration, or comic relief etc, but it’s a shame how many withering new friendships I have to go through to find the keepers.

Other than saving for a home and recently getting a hefty pay increase which will speed me along the road to this goal, I have made a couple personal goals as well which I have started this week.

I have grown tired of seeing myself as a tired, overweight, poorly nourished shadow of what I used to be. I want to be healthy again on all levels and facets of my being. So I started running. Can you imagine?! Me, of all people, running without being forced to! And I actually like it which is very strange! And once I get into a good solid habit of running I will start doing other workouts to tone up as well. I plan to slowly alter my eating habits to further my goal of healthy living.

Once I have my own house I will also be reaching out more socially. First making sure I have comfortably settled into being on my own, and being ok with it of course. So there are many things I am working on. And this year seems to be my year for change and coming into my own, as they say.

 

As I make my changes I will flood the field with water… those things and people and habits worth keeping will float to the top… the rest will be washed away, time to de-clutter my life.

Reassess and Reaffirm

For 2 years after Dan and I split I was alone, I didn’t go and spend time with friends, or anyone really, I just went to work and came home. Spending my days off by myself, or with my family. Then a few short months ago I decided to get back into the social world because once I got settled in my new job it gave me the time to stop and look and see just how alone I was. And for whatever reason I couldn’t just be ok with that despite the fact that I was ok with it for 2 years.

Finding happiness in the presence of others is almost not worth the pain the lack of such happiness brings. There also seems to be a self centered coldness that has developed among people since last I was on the social scene… people making false statements. Statements only made false by lack of follow through and made cold hearted by a lack of remorse for the hurt this falsity causes. In turn this has made me become more untrusting of people, not knowing what to believe from who I chose to not believe anyone’s words. I have switched to a “proof is in the pudding” sort of mentality.

It seems so easy for people to become masters at the art of rhetoric. Vomiting words so eloquent and convincing they entangle your heart and mind and you are lulled into a false sense of closeness and affection. And maybe they mean the things they say at the time, but it’s all about the follow through. If you cannot back up your words with actions to match them then should you really be speaking such things in the first place? Probably not. Unless your intention is to mislead and hurt others.

Am I blaming others for my saddened state? Of course not. I know full well it’s my own damn fault that I feel hurt by the things that have happened recently. After all it really doesn’t matter what people say or do to help or hurt others because it’s all about how the interpretation of such things by the person being helped or hurt. Here is the thing though, I can’t help but bounce the bullshit people throw at me back in their faces. Maybe if they see how their actions or lack of action affects others they might be motivated to change their behavior, but the real point I am making is that I refuse to continue to put up with this crap. Am I a bitch? Yeah sure. Am I missing vital information regarding the viewpoint from others? Most assuredly, but it’s all about perception and if people don’t want to take my thoughts and feelings into consideration before they open their yaps then why should I? I can only make commentary on what information I have been given or witnessed and since I have been given so little information naturally my diatribe will be flawed, but aren’t they always?

People say I’m fun to be around and I have actually been called amazing (though I have yet to discover what the full meaning of that is) and yet it seems hell will freeze over before those same people will divvy up some time to hang out. So this is again a spot where I am failing to understand their meaning or motivation. Sometimes I feel like an amusement park. Yeah, it’s fun to go to Disneyworld and see the sights and ride the rides. But who wants to go there every day, or every week, or even every month? Most people are satisfied with one visit in a life time. *insert stereotypical circus music here* If I am to be nothing but a momentary amusement for other fine, so be it, but I would prefer to know beforehand that that is what I am to someone so there is no confusion. But in some cases it seems that is too much to ask.

Monogamous with polyamorous tendencies

Corrected: per the first comment posted to this entery I have gone ahead and adjusted the terminology to reflect the corect idea that I am refering to.

“Polyamory (from Greek πολύ [poly, meaning many or several] and Latin amor [love]) is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.” (Cited from Wikipedia)

So I have been spending a lot of time thinking about social mores and how many are, for lack of a better term, out dated. Or rather, they are too black and white. I have been discussing these mores and some alternative concepts with a few friends and new acquaintances and have been pleasantly surprised that I am not alone in my alternative thinking. Admittedly, I have a sort of duality on the topic. On one hand I want a monogamous relationship, with the right person, and settle down and do the old fashioned family thing, but on the other hand I think monogamy is a ridiculous stifling of one’s sexual social life.

Even polyamory is a tricky concept. Some people think the “open relationship” is all well and good so long as you only hook up with strangers as opposed to people within your social circle. I feel a bit in disagreement of this idea. I think if I were in an open relationship with someone I would rather the activities take place within our social circle. This would give a more “safe” sense to the whole thing. I know this goes against some traditional unspoken rules of friendships, but sharing is caring right?

During my time in the Navy a somewhat polyamorous lifestyle was almost an unspoken normality. It was essentially no big thing to have more than one lover and that the lovers you chose happened to also be friends to each other and you. There was a slightly odd sense of near perfection in such a lifestyle. However, the success of such a plural relationship is highly dependent on the ground rules laid down in the beginning. It is true, when two people engage in sexual activity there is an emotional attachment that is created, however this attachment should not hinder openness to other sexual experiences and other sexual partners. And it is also true that one can genuinely be in love with more than one person at any given time. Each love is unique to the person for which it is felt.

It should also be taken in to consideration the emotional and mental side of this. Think about it, wouldn’t it be nice if you could cuddle up with one or more of your lovers for the emotional and or mental stimuli without having to worry about it causing an issue? Try flirting or getting all close and intimate (in a non sexual way) with someone other than your monogamous lover and see what happens. Usually this would spark jealousy, anger, distrust, and/or the inevitable argument. No one wants that unless of course they are sadomasochistic, but I digress.

Ok, so to wrap this up let’s keep in mind that as with love and friendship and life polyamory has many different levels, facets, and shades. Anyone who is open minded enough to give it a whirl can find the degree of polyamory that best suits them. Nothing in love, sex, or life in general is cut and dry.

A Story About a Boy and Girl

There once was a girl who moved to a small town in 1992. She
started her 4^th grade year in this town, turning 10 early that
school year. This was the year she met a young boy in her class. Little did she
know, at the time of their meeting that this boy would have such a profound and
long lasting impact on her heart and life. He was a wild hayseed of a boy, as
are many boys his age who grow up in small towns. Before they knew it the two
were steady into a relationship, as serious a relationship as two ten year olds
can manage that is. They’re elementary romance lasted until their 6^th
grade year. Not long after the school year started the boy informed the girl
that his family was moving away. The move wasn’t really all that far but to a 6^th
grader it may as well have been the moon. The girl broke up with the boy and
shortly thereafter he moved.

Jump forward to the end of middle school. The girl received
a phone call from the boy, by this time puberty had transformed both children
in to hormonal developing young teenagers. The girl didn’t recognize the voice
at first for it carried a lower tonality. This instance sent the girls heart
into a flirt. All the fledgling feelings of love she had for the boy in
elementary school came flooding back emphasized by the ebb and flow of her sporadic
hormones. Throughout high school there were more instances where the boy and
the girl would see each other again, or talk on the phone. They were attracted
to each other like magnets. For the girl the world didn’t exist around her when
the boy was in her life. Late one summer night the boy came to visit the girl. The
air was still heated from the bright sun which had long since set. Lightning
bugs were out in the thousands, floating around above the tall grass of the hay
fields that surrounded the girl’s home. It was a magical night as if the starts
had come down from the heavens to dance around the couple. Before leaving the
boy hugged the girl, and in that moment fleeting as it was, seemed to last
almost forever for the girl. To her the hug was home. And she would spend most
of her high school years trying to find that feeling again.

Jump forward to the end of high school. It is December 2001
and the girl receives a phone call, it’s the boy. Her heart skips a beat in surprise
and excitement. The following night the boy comes to visit the girl late in the
evening at her parents’ house. They stay up for hours talking and cuddling,
catching up on the years missed and comparing battle scars from the dating
world. That night he stays the night on her parents couch.  The following night the boy came to visit
again and again he stayed the night at the girl’s parents’ house only this time
he shared her bed. For the next year he shared a bed with the girl.

Then one night the boy took the girl out to a movie. On the
way home he pulls off into the parking lot of the town boat landing and tells
the girl that he is too tired to drive so she needs to take over. Knowing the
house was a mere 7 miles away the girl said no but the boy kept insisting. Flustered
the girl got angry and crossing her arms stared out the passenger side window
of the car. Then she started hearing some noises like the boy was digging
around for something. As she turned to ask what he was doing her eyes caught a
glimpse of something shining in the dim car dome light. The boy was holding up
an engagement ring and simply said “will you marry me” to which the girl
happily said “of course!” Six month into their relationship they got their
first apartment together and things went well.

Somewhere along the line the arguments began and they were
explosive. The girl would cry and become overly melodramatic and the arguments
would end when one walked away or one raised the surrender flag. Somehow things
always eventually went back to normal, at least to some extent. But the little
bits that never resolved slowly gathered and became a wedge between the boy and
the girl. It became too much and they broke up.

For a time the girl felt lost and a bit confused as to how
things could have gone so horribly wrong. At a loss and due to other life
aspects the girl joined the Navy. For three long years she fumbled through the
dating world and tried to learn from the mistakes she had made in the past. Shortly
before getting out of the Navy, the girl met a fellow sailor who caught her
attention long enough to propose marriage. On a whirl wind of a whim the girl
marries. Within six months the girl is out of the navy and divorced from the
sailor. And somehow the boy and the girl end up back together.

Again they move in with each other and again they try for a
real and solid loving relationship. But something isn’t quite right this time. Maybe
too much time had passed. Maybe the girl was still working through the guilt
over a failed marriage. Maybe the two were never really meant to make it. Over time
it felt to the girl that for every one good day two bad days followed. Thinking
that their troubles had something to do with her readjusting to civilian life
the girl decided to temporarily move back in with her parents and seek
counseling. After all she had been to Iraq for a 7 month deployment and upon
coming back got to watch first hand as hurricane Katrina decimated the majority
of the Mississippi town she was stationed in, but as she went through the
counseling she came to realize it wasn’t the military that had her messed up
but her inherent depression and dwelling too much on her personal failings in
the world of love. Eventually the girl felt better and talked with the boy
about moving back in, but something had happened in the short time she was away
from him. And it seemed to him that she was no longer the same girl and so they
fell apart yet again. That was three years ago.

Recently the girl inadvertently ended up at the same event
in which the boy was participating. Though, as far as the girl knows, the boy didn’t
know she was there the girl felt the old rush of emotion, and faded memories
started to shine again. The girl quickly realized that this was the opportunity
she had been waiting for to reexamine her past adventures with the boy and
finally put to bed the memories that have haunted her over the years.

Good night past.

Welcome to the present.

Chance Meeting and Memories

Sometimes I wonder where the line is between “working through” your past and “dwelling on” it.

I saw one of my ex-boyfriends on Friday. It was an odd
situation, I don’t think he saw me but I did end up bumping into his mother.
She and I had a nice short conversation, your run of the mill “hi how have you
been, I’m doing well” kind of conversations. It was nice, however, to see that
he was healthy and happy. I think that, to some extent, people get the
impression that the end of their relationship was more devastating that it
actually was to the other person.

At any rate, it seems this run in has stirred up memories
from my past. Which would be fine if it was a fleeting thing, but one little memory
seems to just lead to another then reappears. Don’t get me wrong I love to reminisce
about the past and use it as a tool to understand and discover where I can grow
and change, but there has to be a line drawn somewhere. Otherwise I will be
stuck living in the bittersweet shadows of lost love, and really, who wants to
be stuck there?

So what should I do? I suppose all I really can do is take
the time to give each memory the thought and emotion it deserves then just let
it go. I know, easier said than done.  All
I can do is put forth my best effort and forgive the wrongs committed against
me.

So I guess we shall see…

Love and Compromise

It’s hard to put into words the thoughts that have been
buzzing around in my head… well I suppose I should just pick a topic and just
start typing…

Here we go.

So I have come to realize that there are many things I still
have to learn about relationships… and myself. Some very basic things…
relationships need compromise to work… this I know… however this compromise is
supposed to be as close to 50/50 as possible… and thus far it has been more
like 80/20.

How many times have I altered myself in one way or another
for the sake of someone else’s happiness? How many times have I uprooted my
life entirely and relocated for the sake of a relationship…. And what have I gotten
in return? Well I have been single for a little while now so ultimately I
didn’t get much…  I suppose it is my time
to be selfish…. And as I get older dating becomes more intricate and
complicated… even though I am single with no kids, most people my age (men and
women alike) have at least one child and a “baby-momma” lurking in the shadows
where the past meets the present…

 

Don’t get me wrong I have nothing against people with kids
and I have nothing wrong with the “baby-momma” being involved in the kid’s
life… but there’s a limit to everything…
the way I see it is so long as she doesn’t actively (meaning
deliberately) interfere with my budding relationship with her “baby-daddy”
everything is a-ok with me. But I’m not one for drama… let me rephrase: I’m not
one of Other People’s dramas.

 

I’ve noticed over the years that too many people outside of
Maine (where I live) treat the state like its some exotic and faraway place, as
if it were just as much a pain in the rear to get to Maine as it would be to get
to the other side of the earth. Or at least that’s how people have made it seem…
and there is usually some complication that makes it near “impossible” to come
to Maine…

So my basic retaliation has been just to say “well, you know
where I am… and my door is always open to you” and this is where my selfishness
comes in to play. A sort of “if you want me, come and get me” thing…

And I’m still waiting for someone to take my up on the offer…
oh well

 

An Example of How My Mind Wanders

How often do people really stop and look around them and really
see the beauty of the world? The past few days I’ve taken some time to pay
attention to the season. Watching some plants come into bloom while others have
lost their buds to work on developing seeds, and others still are waiting for a
later time for show the beauty of their blossoms.

How often do people stop to watch the wild life? Short of
dodging the random squirrel that wanders into the road, most people aren’t
aware of the wildlife around them. In my backyard alone we have the following
birds: chickadee, tree swallow, barn swallow, gold finch, house sparrow, common
grackle, starling, blue jay, blue bird, rose breasted grosbeak, Baltimore oriole,
hummingbird, hairy woodpecker, nuthatch, bobolink, meadow lark, cardinal,
mourning dove, crow, and the occasional flycatcher. Now isn’t that an
impressive variety of birds, and I probably missed a few. We also see the
occasional osprey, turkey vulture, hawk, eagle, and turkey.

Maybe it’s just me but I have to say I find quite a bit of
peace from giving my undivided attention to the natural world around me. In such
subtle ways it heals the soul, eases the mind, and strengthens the heart.

I must admit, lately I have felt as though I’ve embarked on
a journey of self discovery / self healing. Maybe it is the self inflicted hermit
style of living I have done over the past year, but I have to say, taking the
burden of being physically present and social with friends out of the equation
certainly make things a lot easier. There are things I know I need to work on
not just in my life on the surface (i.e. finances, job, responsibilities of everyday
life, etc.) but also deep beneath all of that. The emotion, the memory and the
coping with the things I cannot change, accepting that some things I have done
in the past cannot be undone. Realizing that some people will willingly “bury
the hatchet” while others aren’t nearly so willing. But I suppose the first
step on the road to forgiveness/redemption is to forgive oneself which can be a
feat in itself depending on that which is the source of the hurt.

Maybe one of these days I will truly understand the ways of
things. Or, if not that, maybe I will find someone who, by just being themselves,
will help me heal, and learn to trust and love again.

I suppose we shall see.

Wild Flowers and Rainbows

July of 2011 kicks off in style. Though there were no rain showers where I live, we had an awesome partial rainbow for the afternoon. It was interesting to watch, I swear the different colors alternated in intensity.

At any rate…

For the rest of the summer and heading into fall I have decided to try to find some native plant life to introduce to my parents gardens/lawn. Having mixed results with harvesting clippings, I have decided to wait till the plants start dropping seed.

Speaking of seed, yesterday an elderly lady who lives down the road stopped by to ask if she could get some of the seed pods off our lupin plants. they aren’t ready for picking yet but we told her we would hold some for her when they are ready. Also this fall my parents are getting horse-chestnut seeds from the tree up the road.

In other news, my twitter account got hacked, hopefully a password change is all that is needed.

I will write more later this weekend, in the mean time im off to go start up a flickr account.

Ponderous Problem

I’ve been trying to figure out how to write about my past relationships without using the names of my former loves so that there is a bit
of anonymity maintained. Unfortunately I have pretty much come to the conclusion that it is not possible for two reasons.

Firstly, it’s no secret with who I have been in a relationship with and what has transpired between us. Anyone
who has been a friend of mine has likely heard the tales of my past adventures.
Secondly, chances are if you didn’t know the tales, there is a possibility that
one of them would inadvertently call themselves out and thus lose their anonymity.  So you can understand my dilemma, wanting to
write about my past endeavors, meditate on how they played out and maybe try to
find new revelations within them… but I don’t want to piss anyone off, nor do I
want to embarrass them in anyway. So what do I do?

Should I just throw caution to the wind and just write it all out, no holds barred, and lay it all out for all who read this to see?
Should I write nothing at all on the topic? I’m torn…. Though there are some who think me a cold hearted hag of a woman, I do care about other people’s feelings and do not want to make life harder for anyone.

I suppose I could extend the questions to my exes. Let them
decide how much or how little they want to be recognized in my words. Of course
all, but one, are reachable. Let me rephrase… all but one are on speaking terms
with me, and to an extent I would like to keep it that way. After all, some
things (and people) are better left alone.

I guess this particular topic will be left for later
exploration…

“Sea Stories”

I really do wish I had written out all the thoughts floating
through my head while at work. I had some profound and not so profound things
on my mind. Of course now I can’t remember about 90% of them… sigh….

 

One of the many things has been military oriented…  I’ve had friends and family tell me I’m a
hero and on a personal level I have a really hard time being ok with that idea…
to me I’m not, because even though I did got to Iraq and stayed there for a goo
7 months or so… I didn’t actually do much more than clean/install air
conditioners and trouble shoot electrical problems… my weapon was loaded only 3
times.

Once on the way to Camp Baharia, once on the way back from
there, and once for a few hours late at night when a detainee escaped from the
detainee camp.  And short of an incoming
round landing not 20 feet from the galley I had just left my time in the sand
box was rather anticlimactic.

It has occurred to me that I’m not the only one that thinks
this way, and I won’t be the last… There are brave men who fought very hard in
wars of the past that don’t consider themselves anything close to heroes. But then
again most military folk I know feel that the only heroes are the ones who didn’t
come back alive.

An example would be CS1 (SCW/SW) Regina R. Clark. She was
tasked with working a check point out in the city of Fallujah; she would check
the women and children as they passed from once part of the city to another. I didn’t
know her well. However she lived in the barracks room across from me. She was a
part of the Seabee reserve unit that happened to be deployed at the same time
as my battalion was. She was a very kind person, one of those you would liken
to a “mother hen” caring for her brood. I can still remember the day we got the
news of her passing.

The day in and of itself was rather uneventful… up until the
end of the work day… I remember getting back to the barrack, more than likely I
changed into my PT gear since generally by the end of a workday your uniform
would be horridly soiled with sweat and dust. I went to the MWR hut to relax
and maybe watch a movie. My roommate at the time Cobey Chasse was there sitting
at the “bar” and I remember her saying Clark is gone. I made the fool comment
of “where? Back to the states?” to which she said “no, she’s gone, gone” and you can imagine the “?!?!”
that would have appeared over my head if this were a cartoon. And we started
talking about what limited information we had at the time. Then I remember one
of the guys from one of the convoy teams coming in and walking right up to us
saying “what’s up? You look like someone just died!” he was joking, and you can
imagine the annoyance in my voice when I told him someone DID just die.

This event rattled me. I instantly remembered a guy that I think
was coordinating the checkpoint duty, had asked me if I would be interested in
the position. I was mildly interested but I knew that firstly my command would
have to give the ok for me to do it (since it wasn’t part of our battalions
duties) and secondly that there was no way in hell they were going to farm out one
person to a duty like that (partly because I was told that before he asked me).
Even though I was guaranteed not to be given that position at all ever, just
the fact of it being offered was a door to the what ifs of the situation. If
they had said yes it could have easily been me that didn’t come home alive.

I think to some extent I have a touch of survivor’s guilt,
or something strange like that. There is a weird cloud of depression hanging
over that part of my history, regardless of what you call it.

Then there is Hurricane Katrina. This even happened 2 the
second week I was home from Iraq. My parents had just left to drive back to Maine
after visiting for a week. I remember being told by my supervisor that if I had
a place to go to get away from the coming storm to get going. I told him the
only place I would go is Maine (or New England) and it would be impractical to
go that far. And it turned out I was right. All routes back in to the area were
either disabled or congested with traffic, or destroyed.

I got to see the beach front just once. When I was on the
way back from Bay Saint Louis the National Guard boys blocking of the area gave
us a hard time, which was retarded because this guy and his unit weren’t even
from Mississippi, or any states that border that state.  And we all were in uniform riding around in a
military vehicle… I guess he just took his job too seriously.

The scene was devastating… imagine waking up one morning and
your entire home town was reduced to nothing but foundations (no debris because
the tidal surge pushed that further back) it hits you in the gut so hard, or at
least it did to me. It’s because of Hurricane Katrina that I don’t get
flustered during heavy shopping seasons…. Take Wal-Mart for example. Just about
all Wal-Mart stores are set up the same. Registers in the front, electronics
straight back and the gardening department on one end (left or right) and the
grocery department on the other side (right or left respectively) ok so now
think of your local Wal-Mart being the only one in operation within an hour
drive. I once stood in line that stretched from the registers back to the
electronics dept. where it took a 90 degree turn and ended in the middle of the
gardening dept. and what was I buying? About 3 items that needed (like
toiletries) the whole process took several hours. So I laugh at your Christmas Eve
shopping hell, muahaha!

And through it all I didn’t lose my home (I lived in the
barracks) nor did I lose my belongings (I had just finished moving it all back
into my room from the storage unit (which was destroyed) all I lost was the
side windows of my Saturn Ion, which let the raging rain and sea water spray
inside and completely totaled my car’s electrical system. So I had to get a new
car… that’s it… but I still have odd feelings about that even too.

These 2 times in my life were 2 of the most influential and
2 of the most impactful on my psyche. Other than that the more traumatic events
of my life were relationships (of which I personally feel I am a total
failure). Whether or not the failures of the relationships were my fault or not
is irrelevant. To me the fact that in the end there was nothing I could do to
fix things, was my failure.

But that’s a whole other can of worms which must be opened
and handled carefully. I do not want to mar anyone’s reputation because I miss
represented something or someone.

On a side note please bear in mind that my memory has gotten
a bit hit and miss. So the stories I tell are more than likely far from
accurate.